everything changes

Its kinda funny how one day you pretty much know what the rest of your life is gonna be like....and then the next day it all changes. I think the divorce is still agreed upon...dont know when its gonna happen, but it will. We had a HUGE fight the other night...the first time hes ever put his hands on me. I had the baby on the changing table putting on a new diaper and my husband was mad because I told him he got the worng kind of medicine for me and the baby (we are sick!). He just started yelling at me about not being appreciative or some crap and I asked him to leave the room since I didnt want my son hearing all the cursing. THen he got even more angry and came over and started screaming in my face about how he hated me and he hoped my plane blew up on the way to chicago, and he wanted to punch me. Thats when he started pushing me. He was telling me to get away from the baby that he would take care of him and he kept pushing me away. I gasped because I was just in shock at what was happening...aparently this made him more angry cause then he grabbed my arm and started screaming that he wasnt hurting me and I just needed to shut up and let him take care of his kid. Meanwhile the kid he wanted to take care of so bad was laying on a changing table all alone able to roll off at any minute. I just kept trying to get back to my son and he kept pushing me away. I finally started crying and threatened to call the police (so white trash!!) and he backed off. I finished diapering the baby and refused to let him near either of us for the rest of the night. When I finally got to bed my husband was crying saying all kinds of stuff about how he didnt mean for it to happen and he couldnt control his anger and he was going to get help...blah blah blah!! I told him he could do whatever he wanted...I dont care anymore. But I'm certainally not going to stick around to see IF he gets help, or IF it works. No matter how I may feel about wanting to try to make my marriage work, I will not risk putting my son in danger. And I told him that I no longer have any feelings for him but disappointment, anger, and hate and that I dont feel safe around him. Whats the point of having a husband that you dont feel safe around....there isnt one! I still havent told anyone yet. Its so embarassing I just dont know how to do it. And I know my parents are going to be so disappointed...and prolly a lil upset that they just dropped around 20 grand a year and a half ago on my wedding!! Ugh everything is so complicated....I cant wait to go to chicago for a few days alone to clear my head and refocus my life.
For this week though, I am trying to play nice. Mostly because I'm leaving town in a few days and I'm worried about leaving my son behind with my husband. I know hes a good dad and totally capable of taking care of him...but sometimes I just worry that he will take his anger at me out on the baby. So I guess my thought process is that if hes happy with me he will be happy with the baby. Regardless, as soon as they drop me off at the airport I am making him go stay with my parents while I'm gone. At least I know the baby will be safe, taken care of, and under watchful eyes!
Sometimes when I think about what is going on in my life, I'm still so baffeled at how things got this way. I'm not sure where they went wrong and I would have never guessed for my husband to turn out to be the person he is now!! But I guess if I dug deep enough into things I should have seen it. When we fight he always tries to blame everything on me. He calls me stupid and phsyco and bitch....ya know, whatever. But I'm the kind of person that will admit if something is my fault and try to correct it, so if I was to blame I would apologize. I guess he took advantage of this and just started trying to make me think everything was my fault. And if I think about it even more, he comes from a rough kind of family. His dad was in the navy so they moved a lot, and he was also a very abusive person. Mentally to all the kids and physically to my husband. He also cheated on my mother-in-law and for some reason, she has taken him back. Hes just kinda pshyco and sadly, I see my husband turning into him more every day :( It hurts really to know that after 6 years things have come to this. But I guess its better to get out while I'm still young. I just wish I had some reassurance that there are other guys out there. Good guys...truely good guys, that will stay good. I mean, now I cant only look for myself, but I have to consider someone that will accept my son as well. I always joke that next time I marry it will be for money and sex....two things this marriage totally lacks, lol!!! To a certain extent its true, its important to me that I have someone who is not rich by any means, but financially stable...and definilty someone who can keep up in "other" aspects of life ;) I'm not so sure, that anyone like that actually exists...well I take that back, there is this one guy I know but hes off the market :( I just want someone I can trust and feel safe with and I dont feel either of those things in my marriage anymore. How can I only be 25 but feel soooooo old........