Back from vaca...reality sucks!

I've been back from vaca for a few days. I had an absoloutly amazing time in Chicago. I got to eat, sleep, and play on my very own schedule. It was so nice to be able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Of course I missed my lil munchkin, but everyone needs a break...especially a new mom. My hotel room was amazing with 4 great views of michigan ave., I got to see snow, shopping in the city was so fun, food was great, made some new friends....all in all for the few days I was there it was heaven! But of course then I had to come home....and reality starts to sink back in. Waking up to the baby monitor at 7am, a few hours later yelling at my "husband" to get his ass outta bed before hes late for work, chasing my 9mo. old around the house and catering to his every need, cleaning, dishes, laundry, diapers, bottles, grocery shopping,...everything that DIDNT get done while I was away!!! Although I do have to say, seeing my lil cutie in his stroller with a huge grin as I walked off the plane was so amazing it brought me to tears....that kid gets me every time.
And considering the news I got today, I cant thank God enough for my beautiful, amazing, healthy, smart son. I have a friend that I went to school with back home. We didnt really hang out until high school...and then we did a lot with church and stuff together. He went on to get married to a wonderful woman and they decided to start a family. Now, these are two of the most wonderful, religious, amazing, caring, loving, grounded people you could ever meet. I couldnt think of two better people to be parents. 7 months after I got pregnant, his wife became pregnant. He was extatic. Most men are a lil scared and stressed...understandably, but not joel, he was thrilled beyond belife. His wife Val was absoloutly amazing and beautiful through her pregnancy and the two of them together couldnt have been more excited to start their family. They found out it was a girl...even more overjoyed! On nov. 3rd she was born, a month early, Rhema...weighing a lil over 4 lbs. They were told she had a disease....Trisomy 13.... meaning she had 13 chromosomes in her DNA strand instead of 12. This causes not only physical but internal disformaities. As first time parents they were told their daughter was lucky she even lived outside the womb, but wouldnt last long. She had extra toes, a cleft pallet, fused eyelids, a partial skull, and a hear murmer just to name a few things. After a week (even though she shouldnt have lived that long) they took her home in the care of hospice. Everyday she lived they were able to grow more attached to her. Turned out her eyelids werent fused and she did have eyeballs....blue ones. Her skull turned out ok too, but the older she got she would randomly stop breathing. Partly because of the heart murmur, sleep apena, and partly beacause her brain wasnt developed enough to remind her to always breath. They had to preform rescue breathing for her a few times, and she pulled out ok. She was beautiful, and full of life, and happy and had the cutest smile. And today I got the news....she passed away last night at 11:15pm. Thats all I know....I assume it was a no breathing spell, and this time she didnt make it. They knew it was bound to happen, and for almost 3 months they have been playing a waiting game. I cant imagine the emotional stress day to day, now there is grief, but relief. My heart sank when I heard the news. I teared up, but my husband came in the room and I didnt want him to see. I dont feel comfortable around him anymore and hes the last person I want comforting me. So I've waited until now, sitting here at the computer....hes at work, the baby is in bed....and now its my turn to grieve over that beautiful little baby girl whos parents must feel completly broken. She was almost 3 months old....almost. And all I can think about was last night...close to that time, I was in my sons room saying good night. He rolled over and opened his eyes to look at me....I was scared to death he was going to wake up and I was going to be up with him all night. I let out a sigh of relief when he layed his head down and went back to sleep. While Joel and his wife...at close to the same time, were hoping and praying that their daughter would just wake up. Its funny how life works like that. Figurativly speaking, they say when you dies your heart is full of bruises and holes....today mine has one more missing piece that has broken off for baby Rhema and her parents........

VACATION!!!!!!!!!

2 more days and I fly out to CHICAGO!! I cant freakin wait. The only thing I'm a lil paranoid about it that in the past few days two of my ex's have mentioned meeting me there. One of them I could deal with....the other I am definitly not game to see. Not to mention this is suppose to be MY vacation. If I wanted to see you I would ask! I think I wont be answering my phone for the next few days, hahaha. All I can say is I must be really good in bed, bwwaaahahahaha!!!
I talked to my FRRRIIIEEEND last night forever!! Her and I only really chat usually when we are having drama....but last night we were up til 3am laughing our asses off. And I most definitly blame Kara for the 3 hours of sleep I got before the baby woke up this morning...shes such a bad influence LOL!! But it was much needed, AH I miss her madly. Now that is one person I would love to see when I am in chicago....complete trouble we would be! "Isnt there some kind of unspoken girl code about that"...."yeah but he started dating her like 2 minutes after we broke up so I think that cancels it out"..."ugh I hate it... .really its like swallowing potential children"... "i've finally got a new man who is tall, likes to drink, AND doesnt hit me...jesus its about time!!" aaaaaahahahaha I love her! I wish she didnt live soooo far away :(
Anywho....I am so freakin excited about my trip...gotta do MAJOR laundry today and start packing for the COOOLLLLDDD weather!!!! YAY

A breath of fresh air

Today has been just like every other day lately. Thats neither a good nor bad thing. But you know how sometimes you just stop and take in the moment....or maybe you dont but you wish you did. I had a moment today that I think will be burned into my memory forever, or at least I hope it will. My son has recently discovered windows....mostly because the construction is finally over and our windows no longer have plastic covering them, lol! But it was a beautiful day outside so I had the house opened. My baby, being the curious lil thing that he is, crawled over to the window and pulled himself up on the ledge. So I crawled after him keeping a watchful eye that he didnt fall and hit his head or find a spec of something to put in his mouth. I was sitting next to him on the floor with my chin rested on the window ledge, and he was standing next to me holding on to the ledge and chewing on the cord to the blinds. It was sunny and there was a beautiful breeze blowing in. The ducks were outside playing near the fountain in the lake, so he and I were counting the black ones and the white ones. I looked over at his cute lil face with the sun shinning on him reflecting of his fuzzy head of hair and his drooly chin and I said "baby, you are so cute, mommy loves you more than the whole world." And maybe it was just a fluke since hes too young to understand, but he leaned over to me with his mouth wide open and gave me a big drooly kiss on my cheek....then he squeeled and went back to playing with the cord. Sometimes I love him so much it hurts......I guess no matter all the bad things in life, I still have my one lil ray of sunshine that never lets me down!

everything changes

Its kinda funny how one day you pretty much know what the rest of your life is gonna be like....and then the next day it all changes. I think the divorce is still agreed upon...dont know when its gonna happen, but it will. We had a HUGE fight the other night...the first time hes ever put his hands on me. I had the baby on the changing table putting on a new diaper and my husband was mad because I told him he got the worng kind of medicine for me and the baby (we are sick!). He just started yelling at me about not being appreciative or some crap and I asked him to leave the room since I didnt want my son hearing all the cursing. THen he got even more angry and came over and started screaming in my face about how he hated me and he hoped my plane blew up on the way to chicago, and he wanted to punch me. Thats when he started pushing me. He was telling me to get away from the baby that he would take care of him and he kept pushing me away. I gasped because I was just in shock at what was happening...aparently this made him more angry cause then he grabbed my arm and started screaming that he wasnt hurting me and I just needed to shut up and let him take care of his kid. Meanwhile the kid he wanted to take care of so bad was laying on a changing table all alone able to roll off at any minute. I just kept trying to get back to my son and he kept pushing me away. I finally started crying and threatened to call the police (so white trash!!) and he backed off. I finished diapering the baby and refused to let him near either of us for the rest of the night. When I finally got to bed my husband was crying saying all kinds of stuff about how he didnt mean for it to happen and he couldnt control his anger and he was going to get help...blah blah blah!! I told him he could do whatever he wanted...I dont care anymore. But I'm certainally not going to stick around to see IF he gets help, or IF it works. No matter how I may feel about wanting to try to make my marriage work, I will not risk putting my son in danger. And I told him that I no longer have any feelings for him but disappointment, anger, and hate and that I dont feel safe around him. Whats the point of having a husband that you dont feel safe around....there isnt one! I still havent told anyone yet. Its so embarassing I just dont know how to do it. And I know my parents are going to be so disappointed...and prolly a lil upset that they just dropped around 20 grand a year and a half ago on my wedding!! Ugh everything is so complicated....I cant wait to go to chicago for a few days alone to clear my head and refocus my life.
For this week though, I am trying to play nice. Mostly because I'm leaving town in a few days and I'm worried about leaving my son behind with my husband. I know hes a good dad and totally capable of taking care of him...but sometimes I just worry that he will take his anger at me out on the baby. So I guess my thought process is that if hes happy with me he will be happy with the baby. Regardless, as soon as they drop me off at the airport I am making him go stay with my parents while I'm gone. At least I know the baby will be safe, taken care of, and under watchful eyes!
Sometimes when I think about what is going on in my life, I'm still so baffeled at how things got this way. I'm not sure where they went wrong and I would have never guessed for my husband to turn out to be the person he is now!! But I guess if I dug deep enough into things I should have seen it. When we fight he always tries to blame everything on me. He calls me stupid and phsyco and bitch....ya know, whatever. But I'm the kind of person that will admit if something is my fault and try to correct it, so if I was to blame I would apologize. I guess he took advantage of this and just started trying to make me think everything was my fault. And if I think about it even more, he comes from a rough kind of family. His dad was in the navy so they moved a lot, and he was also a very abusive person. Mentally to all the kids and physically to my husband. He also cheated on my mother-in-law and for some reason, she has taken him back. Hes just kinda pshyco and sadly, I see my husband turning into him more every day :( It hurts really to know that after 6 years things have come to this. But I guess its better to get out while I'm still young. I just wish I had some reassurance that there are other guys out there. Good guys...truely good guys, that will stay good. I mean, now I cant only look for myself, but I have to consider someone that will accept my son as well. I always joke that next time I marry it will be for money and sex....two things this marriage totally lacks, lol!!! To a certain extent its true, its important to me that I have someone who is not rich by any means, but financially stable...and definilty someone who can keep up in "other" aspects of life ;) I'm not so sure, that anyone like that actually exists...well I take that back, there is this one guy I know but hes off the market :( I just want someone I can trust and feel safe with and I dont feel either of those things in my marriage anymore. How can I only be 25 but feel soooooo old........

Home sick!

So this past weekend two of my bestests traveled all the way here to FL to see my son be baptised. One came from myrtle beach and one from charlotte.....not to mention all my family that came up from sarasota. But I had such a great time with my girls....minus my husband being an ass as always! Being so far away and only seeing them about once a year, I sometimes forget how nice it is to have friends around. I mean I've finally made lots of friends around here....but not the kind that you sit and talk to for hours about life, or the kind that can remind you of things that happened in middle school that you dont remember! These girls are the kinda friends that even though they arent family, my son will call them "aunt" and the kind that will punish him when hes bad and I wont think twice about it. I just miss my friends terribly. I teared up when they got here and when they left, but it was so much fun in the mean time!! I'm going to chi-town in 2 weeks, but hopefully this summer I can take a trip back to SC to visit, cause I need a good dose of home (and BOJANGLES!)!

I got myself a realtor today. Even though my husband and I arent surviving our marriage, I still need to provide the kinda life for my son that I want him to have. So by working my ass off and with some help from my parents....I am hoping to be in a house by the time my lease is up in march. If i'm gonna be on my own in the future anyway, I mind as well start now.

I'm starting to get nervous about my trip. Its been years since I've been on a plane and I cant being to remember what its like to be completly alone.....but I'm sure I'll survive for 4 days, in fact, I cant wait!!!!!!!! I'm mostly nervous about my son being ok while I'm gone. Hes started going through a momma phase, but I'm hoping outta sight outta mind. In any case, I'm making my husband go stay with my parents while I'm gone so I at least know my mom and dad will take care of the baby.

Work again in the morning...ugh, I'm wearing thin...but it will all be worth it in the end, a parent has to do what a parent has to do!

I laugh at myself...

Some time I find myself doing rediculous things...and I just have to laugh at myself. Well ok, this is kinda a serious thing too but still. SO I've been working really hard to get in shape and its paid off. This weekend I slipped comfortably back into my prepregnancy size 27 guess jeans...they were even a lil big in the legs!!!! I do lots of cardio mostly because its addicting, pilates, and try to eat right. But one thing I have truely wanted to try are the carmen electra strip workout dvds. My parents gave us a pretty big gift card to target for christmas....I think they ment to help us out with baby stuff, but sometimes I have to buy things for myself....so I got 2 of her 4 dvds. One is an areobic striptease and one is fit to strip...mostly toning and stuff. LOVE THEM! I have been doing the fit to strip for a lil over a week now. THe first few days I thought I was going to die, lol, but the soreness went away and now I love the tight feeling I get when I'm done. But tonight I just tried for the first time the striptease dvd. Now, I may admit to doing some amature strip teases in the past, but this shit kicked my ass!!! There is no way in hell strippers truely do all the stuff I did.... at least most of them dont look like they do. I also have to say I felt slightly rediculous learning a choreographed striptease in the middle of my livingroom. But who knows, maybe I'll get to put it to good use one day.....for now its a damn good workout, and I highly suggest it for any woman who wants to work out and have fun at the same time.

So many things...

I havent felt like writing lately....mostly because I've just been too busy. I feel as if about 18 million things are going on in my life all at once with no escape!! Christmas was kinda fun...mostly because I got to see a lot of family and it was my sons first christmas. He got an unbelieveable amount of presents and had loads of fun eating paper! My "husband" and I got into yet another huge argument before the holidays and I think we have decided mutally on a divorce. One of the reasons that I was a lil on edge during the holidays....its kinda hard to pretend to be happy when you arent, and we are waiting til after this weekend (or sons baptism) to tell anyone. We will see what happens. The only good news is that since its kinda a mutual thing there has been no fighting about custody, money, or anything else. He says I can have whatever I want, and I just need to pick an amount that I think I will need to take care of the baby. At least that hasnt been stressful and we dont have to spend a fortune on lawyers and such. The new year sorta sucked too.....its gonna be an interesting year for me I'm sure. Being single again, only this time with an 8 mo. old baby! My husband had to work that night, so it was just the baby and I. I have been working redicilous amounts of hours lately, so after indulging in one glass of champange and my cosmo, I feel asleep!!! I heard the fireworks from universal, disney, and downtown around midnight and proceeded to go right back to sleep. Oh well. And thats been life lately....even as I write this I dont feel like writing anymore....there is plently more to write, just not in the mood. On a good note, the baby is being baptised this weekend and two of my bestests are coming in from SC, not to mention loads of family!!!.....CANT WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)