My love

Some days I just cant even fathom the love I have for my baby boy. Its like its so huge it cant even exist. Sometimes I actually have to remind myself that I cant squeeze him too hard or smother him with kisses. It is completly impossible for me to wrap my mind around how much this child means to me and how much I love him. Some nights I just want to sleep on the couch in his room....just so I can be close to him. There is never one second that I wish I didnt have him, or wasnt with him. THe love for your child is like nothing you could ever describe. Tonight he was getting tired while we were playing. I was laying on the floor and he crawled up next to me, layed his head on my arm and started sucking his thumb. I had been singing him a song (we are learning christmas songs now!) so I just kept singing and he just layed there on the floor with me. I swear this kid brings tears to my eyes every day....for good reasons though. And when I make him laugh.....like a real belly laugh.....its the greatest thing in the world!! I just cant even comprehend how God thought I was deserving of this perfect child, but I sure am thankful. I will be the first to admit I can be a very selfish person. Or I guess I should say I use to be. Being a mom has changed so many things about me, and for most of them I am greatful. Having a baby leaves no room for selfishness and it amazes me how easy it was for me to make that transition. I was truely scared that I was too selfish to have a child....even my family teased me about it. But I would give up the world for my son....I've already given up my body, countless hours of sleep, my job, my social life, and all of my disposable income. But in all honesty, I rarely notice all that being so consumed with taking care of him. I know children never understand their parents love for them, I didnt.....that is until they have their own child. I can only hope that one day he looks into the eyes of his own child and knows the love I have for him.

My first!

I finally bought my first christmas present today. I was in search of a specific pair of steve madden boots, but instead ended up spending my birthday money on a small gift for my mom. Its ok thou cause I was kinda at a loss for what to get her, so I was glad something jumped out at me. The boots however, turned out to be less than hoped for. I have been begging for a while and finally decided to spend my b-day money on them. Lucky for me they went on sale, so I was gonna get them in black and brown, but when it came time to try them on I hated the way they fit. All that anitcipation over nothing. I did however find another pair of shoes I really want, but I hate to buy them because they arent boots and I seriously need boots for chicago. Ugh...it frustrates me.
On a better note, my baby boy is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so happy to have him home. ANd the first thing he did upon being back in his own house was hunt out the cat! Suprisingly, the cat came right to him, I guess they missed each other. I think they may be forming some sort of alliance against me!
The holidays are already starting to stress me out, but I always love them anyway. We are putting the tree up this week....YAY! I'm the kinda person that loves to decorate for every holiday...and christmas is my fav! The baby has already seen santa at both of our local malls and hopefully we will get around to getting his pics taken this week. We have already bought him a few toys and stuff for christmas and I am struggling to resist the urge to let him play with them now! I am the kinda person that will hunt everywhere to find presents. I am bad at surprises and I will do my best to find them. The strange thing is I dont really care what it is. You could wrap up something I already own and I would still be excited to open it....I just love opening presents! So its been very hard for me not to give the baby his presents even though they are just sitting in my room! He is gonna love christmas....I cant wait!
Well for some reason I am putting off going to bed even thou I have to work bright and early in the morning....so I suppose I should pry myself away from my computer....

happy birthday, thanksgiving, heartbreak!

Soooo much has been going on this past week....its been crazy, but fun. Wednesday was my 25th birthday. I have amazing friends and family who know that life is a struggle right now and kindly sent lots of birthday money. Kinda funny thou that every single one of them said the only stipulation was that I spent it on MYSELF....something I rarely do these days. Soooo for my b-day I spent the morning with my husband and son and took off in the afternoon to go spend some cash! I got two shirts, some stuff from victoria secret, and 2 pairs of shoes....and still have about 50 bucks left!! All in all I think I did well. That night we had some very good friends, more like family, fly in from VA. We picked them up at the air port and they spent the night at our house. It was so good to see them and have company....I miss everyone in VA and SC so much. We just havent made friends like that here. The next morning we got up and hit the road for the hour trip to St. Pete for Thanksgiving at my sisters house. We deep fried the turkey and all the food was amazing! Its was great times with friends and family. But for me, it ended on a sad note. As I've mentioned before one weekend a month my mom comes here and watches my son so I can get some hours at work. Well this was the weekend and since we were all at my sisters house my parents wanted to stay there and take the family to the zoo the next day. So, very unwillingly, I decided to leave the baby with them in St. Pete. Trust me, it took a lot of convincing. I have never left my son for more than a few hours and never outside of his home. This time My husband nor I were with him and he was all the way in St. Pete. My parents, sis, and bros were there, so I know hes in good hands, but I still cried all the way back to orlando. I sat alone in his room last night and cuddled with his blanket. Its been so strange being in the house without him. I never thought I could miss someone so much, but I truely feel empty without him. Its like a part of me is gone. He went with my family today to the lowry park zoo in tampa and my mom said he loved he. He even got to pet a goat, lol! That made me even more sad cause I wasnt there for his first trip to a zoo! But he comes home tomorrow and I cant freakin wait. I have been so broken hearted since I left him. Now I'm worried about going to Chicago, but its too late to back out now, everything is booked and paid for. But at least I know he will be with his daddy and in his own home when I'm gone.
After work today I actually got to hang out with friends. It was kinda nice not having to worry about sticking to the baby's schedule and not being able to take him places. We all went to see happy feet (so cute!) and then went for dinner and drinks. Its was actually the first time in a long time I have gotten to hang out, enjoy myself, and relax (but I still want my baby to come home!). Now, for the first time in 7 months, I am going to bed ALONE! My baby is in St. Pete and my husband is at work. It feels so strange to be in the house alone. I keep feeling like I have someone or something I should check on, but its just me. Not sure what I'm gonna do with myself, but we got our asses kicked at work today, so I think I'm gonna go to be early. Damn retail, lol!
I think all of my friends got engaged over this holiday. Its weird how things like that come in spurts. It always seems like babies, weddings, and engagements all come clustered together. I had like 5 friends get engaged in the last month. I'm excited for them all, but not to excited about all the bridesmaids dresses and trips I'm gonna have to pay for in the next year or so, lol! Well 10 hours on your feet in heels isnt the best way to spend your day, so its bedtime for this girl. Hope anyone who reads this had a great holiday!

I love you pumpkin spice!

I love many things in life...it doesnt take much for me to love things, lol! As my husband says, I think with my heart, not my head and I fall quickly.....mostly for material things thou, lol!! Like I'm totally in love with the steve madden boots I want for my b-day...obsessed even! I want them, I need them, I love them! But my new love of the week (or day) is pumpkin spice latte from starbucks. Its so warm and pumpkin-y...mmmm. And the best part is I found a pumpkin spice creamer at the store to put in my own coffee at home. LOVE IT! I'm a happy girl. Obviously it doesnt take much to please me hahaha....

The music made me do it!

Ever notice how you have different songs for different moods!? Like I have songs I listen to before work to clear my head and put me in a good mood. I have songs I like to sing in the car alone, hehe. I have songs to get me in the mood to go out, and songs that my husband and I like to be silly to in the car together. And soooo many songs that bring back certain memories. Like dancing in my living room to Hanson with "232", or sarah and my morning rides to school with shania twain and macavelli lol, LFO and kaci...aahhh summer time, Deana and I on the blvd with outkast, craig and grath brooks "the dance", family vaca with elton john and billy joel (thanks dad!), my first sevendust concert on the front rail with my husband and frankie in va, the dave concert where we sat in cold rain...I would do it again anyday!, crying in the car with kaci and jenn on the way back from surfside listening to vitamin c graduation song, karioke at scandles with the roomies to baby got back ahhhhhahahaha!, dancing with my daddy on my wedding day....lullabye by billy joel, or my first dance with my husband...jessica simpsons version of take my breath away (inside joke)!! Seems that no matter the memory, music is always there.

COUNTDOWN!!! 4 days until my b-day!!! Ohhhh yeah, cant wait! My mom said she ordered my cake today and she wouldnt tell me what it was, said it was a surprise. I'm guess its a disney princess cake since my family always teases me about being the princess of the group! AND not only that but some amazingly close friends are flying in town that day for the holiday weekend...YAY! I'm stoked, and cant wait!!

My lil guy hasnt been feeling well the past few days. I think its his teeth, but I'm not quite sure. 3 am has become my standard bedtime these past few nights. He goes down like normal around 7-ish but then is back up around midnight crying in pain. I'm feeding him tylenol like its going outta style, but it doesnt seem to help much. As much as I'm feeling sorry for my sleep deprived self, I feel ten times as worse for him :( It breaks my heart when I cant make him feel better. I think I've worn a path in the carpet where I have been walking/rocking him in his room at night to try and calm him and get him back to sleep. I have a meeting tomorrow night at work so my brother is coming into town to keep the baby for me. I hope he can handle it....its only an hour, so it shouldnt be too bad!

For some strange reason I have the pregnancy itch again. I mean what the hell is wrong with me, its only been 7 months!! I've just started really getting my body back and now I want another baby??!! Lucky for me I've been taking BC so it cant really happen anyway, until I truely want it to. I think I just miss the feeling of being preggo. I look at pregnant women and I feel myself get jealous! Its crazy I know! But as I have mentioned before I had an amazing pregnancy....it was sooooo easy for me, not just getting preggo, but being preggo. I had no morning sickness, no complications like high BP, swelling, diabities...nothing. Ok well I had cravings......fruit (peaches mainly) and shrimp...yeah I dunno, lol!! I thought it was kinda fun. I loved my lil belly! It was a really comforting feeling for me always having my lil guy kicking around inside and head butting my ribs haha! I loved rubbing my belly and taking and singing to him....it was just an amazing experience and one I cant wait to go through again. But I think we need to hold off at least 2 years before we get ourselves into that again!! Not to mention my husband would prolly kill me, or himself lol, if I got preggo this soon! I got my hands full with the one I have now, but someday he needs a lil playmate! ;)

The world couldnt be any smaller!

So I just signed on to update my blog....obviously! As I scrolled down my page I caught a glimps of the "recently updated blogs" thing and something caught my eye. It said "goldfinch funeral home". To most ppl it would mean nothing, but that is the name of a funeral home in my small hometown. I clicked on it and it was infact the same place I was thinking of. It kinda gave me a weird feeling....mostly just because its a funeral home and it brings back some tough memories of the few times I have had to be there.... my best friends mom, my other friends dad, and one of my own best friends. Still makes my heart hurt thinking about them, but on the other hand it makes me smile a lil to remember them. Hmmmm guess the world really is a small place.

Well now that my mind is totally off track I have no clue what I was originally going to write about.....suppose it wasnt that important. EMMIT WON!! I have been totally addicted to dancing with the stars this season and I literally jumped off the couch when they announced Emmit Smith won!!! I actually called in and voted for him last night...TWICE, lol!! I have never done that before....what a loser, ha!
My baby is teething again :(. Its so miserable for me....I cant even imagine how he must feel. He gets all restless when sleeping and he cries every time he chews on things. I hope they cut through quick like the last ones cause I cant handle anymore 1am wake up calls!! Guess thats why I've been a lil grumpy lately. I have been a total bitch to my husband since I got back from my parents! I have no clue why, I just havent felt like dealing with him. Poor guy....he cant win for losing, lol!
I'm watching laguna beach as I type this (yes, I am that lame!) and they are graduating high school. It seems so long ago for me....but still sad. Those were some great times, and great friends that I grew up with my whole life. We all had big plans to get outta town and never look back.....and now all we wanna do is look back...and some days go back to those simple times when we were all together and life was good. I remember my dad always saying if there was a major for socializing, I would pass with flying colors. I was never home, always with friends or on a date (haha). I'm the kinda person that likes to stop and appreciate moments in life. And I remember walking outta of the house in the morning my senior year, looking at the dew kissed grass and wiping it off my car windows, smelling the really fresh and slightly chilly air, and watching the sun beat down on the corn field behind my parents house. Pulling my hair back, rolling down my windows, and driving to school with my radio up and as fast I could in hopes of having a few extra min. to go to Bojangles and get breakfast on my way! I remember breakfast @ Bojangles with my 20 closest friends before the SATs!! And getting scorched at the beach with everyone a few hours before graduation. And lunch with all the same ppl at applebees the day before the first one of us left for college. It was danny because he was going to ole miss to play football and had to head out early for practice. I miss those times and all those memories. Feeling so comfortable with my boys always around me, and always there for a BIIIIG hug....and that bond of sisterhood with all my girls. It truely was the beginning of the rest of our lives. Now everyone has real jobs, getting married and having kids.....its crazy what 6 years does! But some days, its still fun to act like we are 17 again!! ;)

Its ironic really!

And even sometimes I am amazed at what comes outta my own mouth! This weekend we were talking about snowball fights and my dad was saying they used to put rocks in their snowballs (mean, isnt it!!??). So I say, "Isnt is ironic that if you got hit with one of those cold snowballs and it left a bruise....that you would have to put ice on it to make it feel better?" Aparently no one understood my logic (imagine that), and again they made fun of me ruthlessly!! Although I am beginning to see why my sister always says I'm the pretty one and shes the smart one, HA!

Life has been crazy busy lately....I'm not sure with what, but it just seems I never have a second to do anything. The baby and I went to my parents this weekend (husband had to stay home and work). We had a great time. My parents just got a new pool put in so we swam all weekend. I think I have mentioned before that a new car is somewhere in the near future for me. I've had my eye on the tahoes but have never actually driven one. I had no clue my dads department car (hes the fire chief in his town) is a tahoe. Since my parents live way out in, like, no where he let me drive it. It was kinda fun with all the lights and sirens and radios.....although I dont think normal ones have all that, LOL!! Not to mention the "tricked out" engine....ohhhhh so touchy gas pedel (oops, hehehe)! My dad almost had a heart attack, but I thought it was fun times! Mom took me shopping and I finally found a beautiful (and flattering) dress for the baby's baptism, however a date for the occasion is yet to be determined.

Work has been kicking my ass....picking up a lot more hours through the holiday season. Its really tough working all day, then being with the baby and doing the house stuff all night.....I often feel like I may pass out from exhaustion at any moment. I try not to sit for too long or else I might fall asleep. I'm also still trying to work out....the tiredness makes it so much harder for me to motivate myself, but I do it. My mom bought me a billy blanks dvd this weekend....you know, the tae bo guy. Kicked my ass......but that just means its working so I'm kinda stoked to see some results in the next few weeks. Ah, thats about all my mind can think to write for right now.....words are escaping my mind.....nap time!

sick

I havent been feeling well lately. It all started with that damn flu shot. I felt like shit that day....and it hasnt really gotten any better. Guess its just a cold or something, but serisouly, I cant say how much it sucks to be sick and still have to function like you arent. Obviously the baby doesnt know mommy is sick so he still wants to do his same routine like every day....I'm so worn out :(. My husband has been trying to help.....trying being the key word....I dont know if hes actually helping or making things worse! On top of that, I started a new birth control....it made me nautious last night, but I'm gonna try again tonight. Sometimes it takes a few days for my body to adjust. They are still doing construction in our complex....multiplying my headache by a million, or so it seems. I have started working more at my actual job lately for extra money....maybe thats what wearing me down. I work from 7am-2pm then come home and watch the baby all night so my husband can work.....seriously, I dont know how people do it on a daily basis....lucky for me its just through the holidays. I'm going to my parents this weekend.....you would think that would be a break for me, but its more of a hassel than anything. I have to pack myself and the baby, drive 2 hours there, unpack, take care of him alone (my husband stays home to work), then pack up and drive back. Plus my parents always want to drag us a billion places in the process....exhausting. We are stopping to see my grandparents on the way down. My grandfather isnt doing well lately, so I feel like I should see him as much as possible. I was thinking the other day, I might be one of the few lucky people in the world who is as old as I am (25 in 14 days, not that I'm counting or anything) and I still have all four of my grandparents alive....and healthy for the most part. The only problem is that I have lived so long with them in my life, I guess I kinda take it for granted......and when they are gone, its gonna be way too hard :( . Not much else has been going on.....I've been laying low due to the whole sick thing, so life has been pretty uneventful. My husband found 50 bucks leaving work the other day.....of course we blew it like idiots on dinner and margaritas.....but sometimes in life you have to do things like that.

Flu and other stuff

Its been a long day! I know its saturday, but I was up by 7am.....or should I say the baby was up, which leads to me being up! It was ok thou because we had to get to the pediatrician. The baby got his flu shot yesterday and I found out while I was there they were also doing them for parents! So my husband and I got up at the ass crack of dawn to go get one. We didnt have to wait long because we were the first ones there (I planned it that way). But because we were healthy and young, they didnt give us the shot....we got the flu mist. You snort it up your nose like liquid coke or something (not that I would know about that ;)). It tastes strange but in my eyes anything is better than a needle. Totally off the subject, if you dont like needles (LIKE ME) dont have a baby.....they stick you more times than you could ever imagine from the first week you are preggo until you pop that kid out!!! But back to the flu shot....baby hasnt felt well today and neither have I....husband seems to be doing ok. Just a lil tired and a lil headache though, nothing major.
We are planning to have the baby baptised finally. My husband and I have to attend a class tomorrow afternoon at the church...and oddly enough we arent allowed to bring the baby. How do you hold a class for parents with newborns and tell them not to bring their children!!?? Regardless, my sister came up from tampa for the weekend to watch him for me. I always like spending time with her so its been fun. We also did our good deed for the day. My sis and I took the baby out for his evening walk around the lake. We started coming up on these two little girls who we thought were laughing and playing. But as we got closer we relized one of them was crying. I stopped and asked her what was wrong and she told me she hurt her toe....she was walking without shoes on and tripped and basically ripped her toenail off....it was grosse but I tried not to react since she was scared and crying. My sister picked her up and we carried her back to her apt. He mother never even came out to say thank you or anything....I thought that was kinda rude, but we didnt do it for glorification....just to help the little girl out.
I'm not sure if I have ever mentioned where my husband works....and I'm not sure its such a good idea on the internet. But he works for a world wide company who deals a lot with celebrities in their place of business. And since hes a manager, hes deals with them a lot one on one. Tonight he met jared leto, actor and singer of 30 seconds to mars. I'm sure that was fun....I'm a lil jealous. I will humbly admit I am a slight fan of the disney channel (come on I have a kid) and tonight he also met one of the actress' in a show that the baby and I watch....kinda cool.
My husband gets his bonus this week. I am so F***ing excited I cant stand it........CHICAGO!! Ok and some of it is going into savings and some for christmas money. Finance wise we also got some bad news this week. Well, I suppose you could call it bad AND good. We knew my husband was getting his bonus in nov. and it usu. totals a few grand every quarter. We save some, spend some, pay off bills etc. We already have it budgeted out for this quarter. At least a grand is going in the "house" fund, a couple hundred for christmas (mostly for the baby), whatever my chicago trip is costing (he wont tell me), and then get ahead on the bills with the rest. BUT, we had also budgeted into that my vaca time. As I have explained before I work VERY part time....I am up to 10 hours a week now, hahaha! But I have been at my job for a while and have accumulated 42 hours of vaca....i was shocked when I saw it on my paycheck since I took 4 months maternity leave and its only a part time job, but whatev. We had decided I was going to take it this month (even though I'm not actually going on vaca) so that we would have extra money for the holidays. BUUUUT since I work retail, now through new years in blacked out for vaca. The bright side however, is that I can take it in january, so if we are short after the holidays (which we shouldnt be), that will make up for it. And if we arent.....its a lil extra for the house fund. I want a damn house so bad :( One day very soon!!!

I am one of those people!

Ever since I have had my baby I have become a very safe driver. Thats not to say that I ever wasnt one, I've never had an accident.....tickets, yes, but only two and one was NOT my fault! However, yesterday was my day to work, so I was in my car alone. This only happens on random occasions since I have my kid in tow everywhere I go. On the way home from work I guess I totally zoned out. I was driving down JYP totally engrossed in the 8 billion things I was doing while trying to drive. I was trying to program my radio stations back in my car because I recently changed my battery and lost them all. I had my MP3 player in one ear (no I'm not cool enough to have an ipod yet!) beucase I couldnt find anything on the raido. I was texting back and forth with my friend shawn while digging in my purse to find my lip gloss. Then I looked up and realized I was going 65 in a 45!!!!!!!! All I could do was laugh and think, oh god I'm one of those people I hate!!! But trust me when I say I would never do that with my son in the car.

Last night was fun for me. I worked all day which wasnt bad. But I got a call from not one, but TWO old college friends. My one friend Jenn and I talk all the time since she is young and married and also has a baby. But last night for whatever reason we started talking about all the fun we had back in college....it wasnt that long ago, but these days it seems like ages!! Like how we literally lived at the club across the street...scandles....the name was so fitting. Or how my roommate and I would get alcohol money by making out for our guy friends (sad really, I know!). Or jenn making-out with a guy who was missing a finger hahahaha! Or me getting caught by campus police in a steamy car! ;) And how it was so strange how all our guy friends didnt have actual names....stern, slash, ish, magnum, guster, etc. Or the time jenn gave us a "strip tease" but put on every article of clothes she owned first!! Thinking it was a good idea to jump out of a 2 story window just so we didnt get caught leaving the guys dorm after hours (and drunk). And ahhh the pike house and our sae's. It truely amazes me how stupid I was in college, but damn was it fun!

Also got a call from my friend Andy....talked til 3am...I'm paying for it today! Hes a strange guy, but I love him. Hes just one of those people whos never happy in life, always moving around and switching jobs. Hes been a real estate agent, mortage broker, insurance claims adjuster, model, and now he runs a rejuvination clinic in south beach....sooooo random. Hes also the kind of person that doesnt believe in friends. He says poeple only come into your life to use you and get something from you and then they are gone. But for whatever reason, no matter where he has been in his life, he has always stayed in touch with me and actually calls me his friend. Coming from him, it means a lot. I have no clue why he picked me to be so close with....maybe because I was the only girl who never tried to get anything from him, but hes a great guy and I know no matter what happens in life, he will be there for me.

The baby has to go get his flu shot today.....should make for a pretty shitty next 24-48 hours for us both :( poor lil guy!

Someone Else's Life

I often find myself wanting things that other people have. I'm sure everyone does it, but for me its become a continous bad habit, and one that is driving my husband crazy. My husband is a very loving man. He is the kind of person that always wants to make sure I'm happy, and he truely loves to see me smile no matter what it takes (including acting like a monkey in his underwear just to make me laugh). He gets up every morning and goes to work for 10-12 hours then comes home and helps with the baby or dishes or whatever needs to be done (at least recently anyway). Some times I accuse him of being controling or over protective, but really hes not, hes just the kind of guy that always wants to make sure I'm happy and taken care of. He would buy me the world if he could, and there lies the problem. I guess I dont really realize I do it, but I find myself constantly saying "I want" or " I wish we could have...". He recently brought it to my attention that I aparently do this often and I guess it hurts his feelings. He tries so hard to give me everything he possibly can and all I want is more.....a house, a car, a vaca, new clothes, new shoes...whatever I'm desiring at the moment. Some days I actually wish I had a different life, that I could live in someone elses shoes and have what they have. But I guess I never really looked around at what I DO have because I'm always too worried about the things I dont have. I was talking to my sister recently. Shes only 17 mo. younger than me so we have always been pretty close. She has been with her current boyfriend for about 5 years. To me, she seems to have the perfect life. She graduated college, got a real job, has a bf with TONS of money, has amazing brand new house, a boat, shes getting a new car. But she actually said to me the other day that she is jealous of MY life. HAHAHA! Are you kidding me, she has a picture perfect life, what could she possibly want of my life!? But heres the deal.
She graduated with a photography degree, but she has a job keeping books for the police department, and she hates it. Her boyfriend does have tons of money, but its family money. He works for his dads developing company, therefore his parents control all his finances. He did buy her a townhouse and a boat, but nothing is actually in her name. And the one thing she wants more than anything in life is to be married and have a family....and after almost 5 years, he still says its not time yet. So I spend all this time being jealous of what she has, when in reality, she actually wants what I have.
I have a husband who would give me the world if I asked for it, and a baby who IS my world. We dont have an amazing house, but we have a pretty nice apt., and the house will come soon. Neither of us have a regular 8-5 job, but we have jobs that allow us to make our own schedules so we get to see eachother and never have to leave our baby with strangers. We dont have the luxury of doing whatever we want and coming and going as we please, but we do get to experience watching the life we created learn about the world around him.
I guess its just human nature to always want what you cant or dont have, maybe I should learn to appreciate what I do have!