It happens in 3's

I'm not sure why it does. I'm not sure if it happens that way to everyone, or just me. But bad things in my life always seem to come in threes. A few months ago my friend and his wife lost their 3 month old baby girl...that hit very close to home for me and was a tough time and something I still think about a lot. Then, a few weeks ago, my high school friend Sarah lost her father to a long and gurleing cancer battle. He was a VERY special person in this world and someone who always welcomed me in his home with open arms and had a word of wisdom and a hug on the way out the door. That was also definitly a lil rough, especially since all of these things happen back home...8 hours away from me. With the baby its not so easy to jump in the car and be there whenever I want, though so many times I wish I could. But this weekend my ex (and still a very best friend of mine) was MIA. We dont talk on the phone a lot, but we text and we myspace almost daily. I sent him a myspace message and recieved nothing in return....very odd. Then I noticed that he hadn't signed on in a few days. Well, today I found out why. He called me while I was on the phone with my mom so I didnt answer and was just gonna call him back. He actually left me a message and he doesnt normally do that. I listened to it and he was saying something about getting into an accident over the weekend and it being a bad situation. I got a lil scared, but hearing his voice made me at least feel like he was ok. I called him back and he sadly dished the details. Two of his good girl friends were in town from college for their spring break...and one of them was having her b-day. They were out having a great time like normal and went to Dennys to eat after all the festivities. My ex was the designated driver (surprised lol). While making a left turn, a drunk driver coming the adjacent way ran his red light and t-boned their car....hard enough to push them into the car in the turn lane next to them. My ex got out not knowing how hurt he was but realizing the girl in the front seat of his car had been thrown to the back. As he looked in the back seat of his totaled car he saw both of his friends, eyes open with no expressions on their faces...he knew they were dead. He was air lifted to charleston (MUSC) to make sure he was ok and was released a day later only to find out for sure that his friends were dead. The thought of all this just takes my breath away. I guess on one had I am so happy that he made it through ok, but on the other hand he watched 2 of his best friends die in his car right in front of his eyes. I want to say its just not fair for so many bad things to happen to one wonderful person, but I suppose I should explain a lil of his background first. When he was 2 he was diagnosed with lukeima. He had a blood transfusion to try and help him, but 24 years ago they didnt test donated blood like they do today and he ended up with hepatitus C, which he didnt find out about until he and I were dating, almost 10 years ago. Hes gone through so many different tests and treatments, but hes doing great. And then something like this happens....something that he will remember and be able to picture for the rest of his life. It truely breaks my heart. Hes such a good person (we didnt split for any bad reasons) and most certainly doesnt deserve this. I love him so much as a friend...hes one of the best friends I've ever had and it kills me that I cant be there for him through this week. Hes pretty bad off himself, nothing major but his whole right side of his body is bruised and he cant get around on his own right now. My heart is aching for him and for his friends that he lost. While he was telling me all this today I could tell he was upset....he normally has NO emotion at all, its just his nature...but today it was like I was talking to a stranger. The words were coming out of his mouth but there was no connection, like he was just going through the motions of life because he had to. So I've been crying all afternoon....I feel like I've done a lot of that the past few months which is strange for me...I'm normally a pretty happy and upbeat person. I just wish I could make things better for all the people I love....sometimes life really sucks :(, but this is number 3 so I hope we are done with the tragities for a while.

Sometimes things suck and life isnt fair!

So much has been going on lately, that I've hardly had any computer time. Mostly the baby, work, the house...all that fun stuff, they take up all my time. I've been putting more of an effort into try to get back in touch with friends and make plans so I can get out of the house more often....even if the baby does have to join us for lunch dates, my friends dont mind. I guess I kinda lost myself for a while and forgot how nice it is just to sit and chat with a friend.
But as many ups as I have had, there seem to be twice as many downs. Back in December one of my good college friends lost her father to cancer. Shes a strong girl and has held it together well, but she was for sure a daddy's girl, so I know its been way too tough. Then, a few weeks ago, my friend and his wife lost their 3 month old baby girl. They were a little prepared because she had been sick since birth, but if you arent a parent, you just cant imagine how attached you grow to your child every single second of every single day. So, reguardless of wether or not you know its coming, losing you child might be the single hardest thing in life....not to mention a child who really never got to experience the world. Needless to say, it hit way to close to home for me and I took it very hard. I still pretty much think about her and her parents on a daily basis. I also poured my heart out to a guy friend of mine whom I've had a huge "crush" on for forever. I know how awkward it can be when someone does that, seeing as how 2 guys recently have done the same thing to me.....but I did it anyway. And lucky for me he was gracious enough to take in what I said and still want to be my friend. I have to admit though, somewhere in the back of my mind I kinda hoped it would turn out like all those movies where we both just leave our lives behind to be with eachother...fairytales, lol!! I still think he is absoloutly amazing, but it is what it is. Needless to say though, our friendship hasnt felt the same since then. Not that I expected it to, but I no longer get phone calls, and emails consist of only a few sentences....but after all I dumped on him (on top of his own personal issues), I cant say I blame him, and I am thankful he still wants to be friends.
And now for the all the great news from this week....my grandfather had surgery last monday to remove cancer in his bladder. No one knew until after it was done (stubborn old man!!) but now he has to go through some chemo and rad. stuff for a while. The only thing I can say about all of that is, I'm scared....I guess I havent really let it sink in yet, and I'm not so sure that I want to. And today, my friend called me to tell me that our other friends father had finally lost his battle with cancer early this morning. I've kinda pushed that out of my mind for the day too until just now, and I have to say, it hurts. She wasnt one of those friends that you just kinda know. Her and I were inseperable for a long time in high school and her family was like my own. I was always welcome over there anytime, I didnt even have to knock, lol! Her dad was really scary when I first met him.....hes almost 7 ft. tall and very distinguished looking. I thought he was going to be mean I guess......but he was one of the most religious, soft hearted person I have ever met. He went on missions and preached all over the world. He was so wise, way beyond my comprehension. And I remember some days when I would come in the house to get Sarah for school he would offer me breakfast, or hug me along with Sarah on the way out the door and tell us to have a good day. He was always working hard at something, but was also such a family man. It hurts to lose someone like that from your life....even though I havent seen him in years, but it also hurts to know that such a bad thing had to happen to such a good man. He has truely suffered for the past year. Medicine had basically given up on him because the cancer overtook his whole body, but he prayed and tried many alternative options. In the end, I guess God had a plan for him, but its sad to know hes gone....especially for his family....he was the rock.
Ugh, I hate feeling down, but lately I just cant help it. It kinda seems like the world is just dumping on all the people around me that I love, and I'm getting sucked in with it. I feel like I'm stuck in a funk and I just cant get out. Even my husband has noticed my usual sunshiney personality has been a bit cloudy these days. But I have faith, things will get better....and until then, I will be 100% thankful for what I have in my life!

Back from vaca...reality sucks!

I've been back from vaca for a few days. I had an absoloutly amazing time in Chicago. I got to eat, sleep, and play on my very own schedule. It was so nice to be able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Of course I missed my lil munchkin, but everyone needs a break...especially a new mom. My hotel room was amazing with 4 great views of michigan ave., I got to see snow, shopping in the city was so fun, food was great, made some new friends....all in all for the few days I was there it was heaven! But of course then I had to come home....and reality starts to sink back in. Waking up to the baby monitor at 7am, a few hours later yelling at my "husband" to get his ass outta bed before hes late for work, chasing my 9mo. old around the house and catering to his every need, cleaning, dishes, laundry, diapers, bottles, grocery shopping,...everything that DIDNT get done while I was away!!! Although I do have to say, seeing my lil cutie in his stroller with a huge grin as I walked off the plane was so amazing it brought me to tears....that kid gets me every time.
And considering the news I got today, I cant thank God enough for my beautiful, amazing, healthy, smart son. I have a friend that I went to school with back home. We didnt really hang out until high school...and then we did a lot with church and stuff together. He went on to get married to a wonderful woman and they decided to start a family. Now, these are two of the most wonderful, religious, amazing, caring, loving, grounded people you could ever meet. I couldnt think of two better people to be parents. 7 months after I got pregnant, his wife became pregnant. He was extatic. Most men are a lil scared and stressed...understandably, but not joel, he was thrilled beyond belife. His wife Val was absoloutly amazing and beautiful through her pregnancy and the two of them together couldnt have been more excited to start their family. They found out it was a girl...even more overjoyed! On nov. 3rd she was born, a month early, Rhema...weighing a lil over 4 lbs. They were told she had a disease....Trisomy 13.... meaning she had 13 chromosomes in her DNA strand instead of 12. This causes not only physical but internal disformaities. As first time parents they were told their daughter was lucky she even lived outside the womb, but wouldnt last long. She had extra toes, a cleft pallet, fused eyelids, a partial skull, and a hear murmer just to name a few things. After a week (even though she shouldnt have lived that long) they took her home in the care of hospice. Everyday she lived they were able to grow more attached to her. Turned out her eyelids werent fused and she did have eyeballs....blue ones. Her skull turned out ok too, but the older she got she would randomly stop breathing. Partly because of the heart murmur, sleep apena, and partly beacause her brain wasnt developed enough to remind her to always breath. They had to preform rescue breathing for her a few times, and she pulled out ok. She was beautiful, and full of life, and happy and had the cutest smile. And today I got the news....she passed away last night at 11:15pm. Thats all I know....I assume it was a no breathing spell, and this time she didnt make it. They knew it was bound to happen, and for almost 3 months they have been playing a waiting game. I cant imagine the emotional stress day to day, now there is grief, but relief. My heart sank when I heard the news. I teared up, but my husband came in the room and I didnt want him to see. I dont feel comfortable around him anymore and hes the last person I want comforting me. So I've waited until now, sitting here at the computer....hes at work, the baby is in bed....and now its my turn to grieve over that beautiful little baby girl whos parents must feel completly broken. She was almost 3 months old....almost. And all I can think about was last night...close to that time, I was in my sons room saying good night. He rolled over and opened his eyes to look at me....I was scared to death he was going to wake up and I was going to be up with him all night. I let out a sigh of relief when he layed his head down and went back to sleep. While Joel and his wife...at close to the same time, were hoping and praying that their daughter would just wake up. Its funny how life works like that. Figurativly speaking, they say when you dies your heart is full of bruises and holes....today mine has one more missing piece that has broken off for baby Rhema and her parents........

VACATION!!!!!!!!!

2 more days and I fly out to CHICAGO!! I cant freakin wait. The only thing I'm a lil paranoid about it that in the past few days two of my ex's have mentioned meeting me there. One of them I could deal with....the other I am definitly not game to see. Not to mention this is suppose to be MY vacation. If I wanted to see you I would ask! I think I wont be answering my phone for the next few days, hahaha. All I can say is I must be really good in bed, bwwaaahahahaha!!!
I talked to my FRRRIIIEEEND last night forever!! Her and I only really chat usually when we are having drama....but last night we were up til 3am laughing our asses off. And I most definitly blame Kara for the 3 hours of sleep I got before the baby woke up this morning...shes such a bad influence LOL!! But it was much needed, AH I miss her madly. Now that is one person I would love to see when I am in chicago....complete trouble we would be! "Isnt there some kind of unspoken girl code about that"...."yeah but he started dating her like 2 minutes after we broke up so I think that cancels it out"..."ugh I hate it... .really its like swallowing potential children"... "i've finally got a new man who is tall, likes to drink, AND doesnt hit me...jesus its about time!!" aaaaaahahahaha I love her! I wish she didnt live soooo far away :(
Anywho....I am so freakin excited about my trip...gotta do MAJOR laundry today and start packing for the COOOLLLLDDD weather!!!! YAY

A breath of fresh air

Today has been just like every other day lately. Thats neither a good nor bad thing. But you know how sometimes you just stop and take in the moment....or maybe you dont but you wish you did. I had a moment today that I think will be burned into my memory forever, or at least I hope it will. My son has recently discovered windows....mostly because the construction is finally over and our windows no longer have plastic covering them, lol! But it was a beautiful day outside so I had the house opened. My baby, being the curious lil thing that he is, crawled over to the window and pulled himself up on the ledge. So I crawled after him keeping a watchful eye that he didnt fall and hit his head or find a spec of something to put in his mouth. I was sitting next to him on the floor with my chin rested on the window ledge, and he was standing next to me holding on to the ledge and chewing on the cord to the blinds. It was sunny and there was a beautiful breeze blowing in. The ducks were outside playing near the fountain in the lake, so he and I were counting the black ones and the white ones. I looked over at his cute lil face with the sun shinning on him reflecting of his fuzzy head of hair and his drooly chin and I said "baby, you are so cute, mommy loves you more than the whole world." And maybe it was just a fluke since hes too young to understand, but he leaned over to me with his mouth wide open and gave me a big drooly kiss on my cheek....then he squeeled and went back to playing with the cord. Sometimes I love him so much it hurts......I guess no matter all the bad things in life, I still have my one lil ray of sunshine that never lets me down!

everything changes

Its kinda funny how one day you pretty much know what the rest of your life is gonna be like....and then the next day it all changes. I think the divorce is still agreed upon...dont know when its gonna happen, but it will. We had a HUGE fight the other night...the first time hes ever put his hands on me. I had the baby on the changing table putting on a new diaper and my husband was mad because I told him he got the worng kind of medicine for me and the baby (we are sick!). He just started yelling at me about not being appreciative or some crap and I asked him to leave the room since I didnt want my son hearing all the cursing. THen he got even more angry and came over and started screaming in my face about how he hated me and he hoped my plane blew up on the way to chicago, and he wanted to punch me. Thats when he started pushing me. He was telling me to get away from the baby that he would take care of him and he kept pushing me away. I gasped because I was just in shock at what was happening...aparently this made him more angry cause then he grabbed my arm and started screaming that he wasnt hurting me and I just needed to shut up and let him take care of his kid. Meanwhile the kid he wanted to take care of so bad was laying on a changing table all alone able to roll off at any minute. I just kept trying to get back to my son and he kept pushing me away. I finally started crying and threatened to call the police (so white trash!!) and he backed off. I finished diapering the baby and refused to let him near either of us for the rest of the night. When I finally got to bed my husband was crying saying all kinds of stuff about how he didnt mean for it to happen and he couldnt control his anger and he was going to get help...blah blah blah!! I told him he could do whatever he wanted...I dont care anymore. But I'm certainally not going to stick around to see IF he gets help, or IF it works. No matter how I may feel about wanting to try to make my marriage work, I will not risk putting my son in danger. And I told him that I no longer have any feelings for him but disappointment, anger, and hate and that I dont feel safe around him. Whats the point of having a husband that you dont feel safe around....there isnt one! I still havent told anyone yet. Its so embarassing I just dont know how to do it. And I know my parents are going to be so disappointed...and prolly a lil upset that they just dropped around 20 grand a year and a half ago on my wedding!! Ugh everything is so complicated....I cant wait to go to chicago for a few days alone to clear my head and refocus my life.
For this week though, I am trying to play nice. Mostly because I'm leaving town in a few days and I'm worried about leaving my son behind with my husband. I know hes a good dad and totally capable of taking care of him...but sometimes I just worry that he will take his anger at me out on the baby. So I guess my thought process is that if hes happy with me he will be happy with the baby. Regardless, as soon as they drop me off at the airport I am making him go stay with my parents while I'm gone. At least I know the baby will be safe, taken care of, and under watchful eyes!
Sometimes when I think about what is going on in my life, I'm still so baffeled at how things got this way. I'm not sure where they went wrong and I would have never guessed for my husband to turn out to be the person he is now!! But I guess if I dug deep enough into things I should have seen it. When we fight he always tries to blame everything on me. He calls me stupid and phsyco and bitch....ya know, whatever. But I'm the kind of person that will admit if something is my fault and try to correct it, so if I was to blame I would apologize. I guess he took advantage of this and just started trying to make me think everything was my fault. And if I think about it even more, he comes from a rough kind of family. His dad was in the navy so they moved a lot, and he was also a very abusive person. Mentally to all the kids and physically to my husband. He also cheated on my mother-in-law and for some reason, she has taken him back. Hes just kinda pshyco and sadly, I see my husband turning into him more every day :( It hurts really to know that after 6 years things have come to this. But I guess its better to get out while I'm still young. I just wish I had some reassurance that there are other guys out there. Good guys...truely good guys, that will stay good. I mean, now I cant only look for myself, but I have to consider someone that will accept my son as well. I always joke that next time I marry it will be for money and sex....two things this marriage totally lacks, lol!!! To a certain extent its true, its important to me that I have someone who is not rich by any means, but financially stable...and definilty someone who can keep up in "other" aspects of life ;) I'm not so sure, that anyone like that actually exists...well I take that back, there is this one guy I know but hes off the market :( I just want someone I can trust and feel safe with and I dont feel either of those things in my marriage anymore. How can I only be 25 but feel soooooo old........

Home sick!

So this past weekend two of my bestests traveled all the way here to FL to see my son be baptised. One came from myrtle beach and one from charlotte.....not to mention all my family that came up from sarasota. But I had such a great time with my girls....minus my husband being an ass as always! Being so far away and only seeing them about once a year, I sometimes forget how nice it is to have friends around. I mean I've finally made lots of friends around here....but not the kind that you sit and talk to for hours about life, or the kind that can remind you of things that happened in middle school that you dont remember! These girls are the kinda friends that even though they arent family, my son will call them "aunt" and the kind that will punish him when hes bad and I wont think twice about it. I just miss my friends terribly. I teared up when they got here and when they left, but it was so much fun in the mean time!! I'm going to chi-town in 2 weeks, but hopefully this summer I can take a trip back to SC to visit, cause I need a good dose of home (and BOJANGLES!)!

I got myself a realtor today. Even though my husband and I arent surviving our marriage, I still need to provide the kinda life for my son that I want him to have. So by working my ass off and with some help from my parents....I am hoping to be in a house by the time my lease is up in march. If i'm gonna be on my own in the future anyway, I mind as well start now.

I'm starting to get nervous about my trip. Its been years since I've been on a plane and I cant being to remember what its like to be completly alone.....but I'm sure I'll survive for 4 days, in fact, I cant wait!!!!!!!! I'm mostly nervous about my son being ok while I'm gone. Hes started going through a momma phase, but I'm hoping outta sight outta mind. In any case, I'm making my husband go stay with my parents while I'm gone so I at least know my mom and dad will take care of the baby.

Work again in the morning...ugh, I'm wearing thin...but it will all be worth it in the end, a parent has to do what a parent has to do!